Music is an amazing soul touching medium!! There are songs that make me feel courageous & songs that make me feel completely spent like this one from Rascal Flatts. As you now know if you have been following my once in a while blogging, I have had 2 brothers leave in the middle of their song. I have to work everyday to make peace with never knowing “why?”. What I do know is I have a song in me to sing & finish. My song now also carries the melodies of their lives. Their music will always be part of the harmony – the underlying tones – of my life.
Can you relate to the feeling of being stunned & having to put life on pause for a few minutes by the words & the instruments of a song? I think most everyone can at one time or another say “yes”.
This song “WHY” which I have heard before has taken on an even deeper meaning as I understand how my brother’s lives are, as I said earlier in this post, part of my songs harmony now. When my brother Thomas died, 24 yrs ago, I stood at his coffin & asked his lifeless body “WHY??”. His voice quietly spoke “Do not keep asking why. For that is what I did.” I have wrestled with this exchange year after year as I made brave attempts to put the matter of “why” to rest. Thomas was a “why this”, “why that” kind of person & got lost in the maze of answers none of which satisfied his thirst for the answer to his ultimate question “why do I live?”. I know this since he too was a writer & kept a journal up to the day he took his life.
Most times a deep well of emotion stops my writing. I am a person who has no trouble experiencing her emotions. In fact I think I got an extra measure of emotion expressiveness when they were being handed out in Heaven just prior to my birth. My husband has actually referred to my reaction to a situation recently as wailing & gnashing of teeth. I was a little embarrassed to be honest but truth be told…he was telling it like it is. Maybe it is that I am all Italian and we are known to be loud & demonstrative – I mean no disrespect to my lineage at all as I love my people!! But it is also more than my nationality.
The other day I met with a new friend who had shared some of his story & that he had contemplated suicide. He did not know my story. I am most often easily moved, be it by a movie, a song or someone’s story – especially where suicide is even remotely mentioned. Tears welled up in my eyes as I thanked him for sharing this intimate confession about his life & that I was so glad he chose life. He is a fellow writer & is encouraging me to write publicly about my own story. I told him I had no idea what I could offer if I did & that when I write I am but a puddle of emotion when I am done. He challenged me to consider that I carried a message of hope for those who are scared & scarred in this life. My life experiences have cut a groove deep in my soul where the waters of life & death have flowed from a very early age. Where I have learned that the value of a life is never to be underestimated.
I could ask myself “why me?”, “why now?” but I will heed my brother’s message & not ask. Instead I chose to live a life of faith that I will not have all the answers to my “whys” this side of Heaven. There is freedom in this revelation for me – it un-tethers me from a life lived looking backwards & leads me to push forward.
What song has moved you lately?